Key Takeaways

1. Your most effective weapon is your mind. Whether in law enforcement or the corporate world, communication skills outperform every other tool. Mastering your emotions through discipline and training leads to improved relationships, lower stress, and more peace.
2. Conflict is inevitable—your response is not. Conflict will happen if you're interacting with other humans. The question isn't whether you'll face disagreements, but whether you'll react emotionally or respond strategically.
3. You're rarely talking to who you think you're talking to. The person in front of you is showing you a mirror—what they want you to see. These communication strategies help you find the person behind the veneer and understand what's really driving their behavior.
4. Anger is a secondhand emotion. Anger is used as a guise to control or deal with a primary underlying emotion. It maintains distance from vulnerability and keeps others at arm's length. Your job is to listen for what's underneath.
5. Anger is a choice—and so is giving away your power. When you say "he made me angry," you're admitting that person controls you. You assign meaning to words. You have the power to change that meaning and eliminate the emotional impact.
6. Use combat breathing to regain control. Four-count breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4) lowers your heart rate, reduces blood pressure, and moves you from your emotional limbic system to your rational prefrontal cortex.
7. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. Silence interrupts reactive patterns and slows emotional escalation. It gives you time to breathe and reset, while letting their words echo in their own head. Don't feel compelled to fill every pause.
8. Listen to understand, not to respond. The average person speaks at 125-150 words per minute but can listen at 400-500 words per minute. Use that gap to understand, not to formulate your comeback. Understanding doesn't mean agreement.
9. Label emotions out loud. Never let an emotion go by without acknowledging it. "It sounds like you feel abandoned" or "You seem hurt" validates their feelings and makes them feel heard. Then pause—let the label do its work.
10. Calm begets calm, chaos begets chaos. Your voice tone, pitch, and pace are contagious. Slow everything down. Keep an open, non-threatening posture. When you maintain composure, you create space for the other person to de-escalate themselves.

Full Transcript

Introduction

For me, in law enforcement, the longest leg of my career, I was a trainer—training both divisional and recruit police officers. As part of our training, we would use reality-based roleplaying to prepare recruits for everything we could think of: burglaries, robberies, car accidents, domestics.

One of the first statements I would make when I walked into a classroom was this: the most effective weapon you will ever carry on patrol is not your patrol rifle, not your shotgun, not your pistol, not your less-than-lethal options. It's your mind. And with that, I would start talking about the value of communication skills and strategies.

The benefits for law enforcement include improved safety for officers and citizens, reduced use-of-force incidents, fewer injuries and citizen complaints, fostered trust among the citizens we interacted with, better decision-making and job performance, and overall wellbeing.

I see similar benefits for civilians. It will increase your communication skills, foster trust, lower stress levels, and help you enjoy more peace. Are you interested in more peace? I don't know about you, but I am always looking to find peace in my life. We live in such a fast-paced world—it's like you hop on a rafter going down the rapids and think, "I need off, I need to land on the shore, I need to stop and reevaluate. I need to take care of myself."

You'll also get better focus, improved leadership skills, increased confidence, better impulse control, greater self-awareness, and increased empathy. The things I'm going to share with you today are not a magic formula. In fact, I would say right from the beginning that you have to do more work on you. But if you understand training and discipline, you will reap tremendous benefits as we begin a new year.

First Things First: Conflict Is Going to Occur

It doesn't matter who you are or where you are—if you're interacting with other human beings on this planet, conflict is going to happen.

I remember my wife and I training our children through adolescence, trying to prepare them for adulthood. When you try to reason with an adolescent, it's tough because their emotional brain is outpacing their thinking brain. But I would say: when you are an adult, someday perhaps you'll own a home, get married, have children, enter the workforce—you're going to get a whole litany of new responsibilities. And with that, you're going to encounter all kinds of conflict.

You're going to have to learn how to be an advocate for yourself, how to be assertive. You're going to put your dukes up. That means you're going to be constantly fighting with insurance companies, warranty companies, people in the trades who come out to your house and were supposed to fix something but didn't—but they still want you to pay.

My son recently said over the Christmas break, "I wish I was still a kid." He's so right. There's so many things we have to deal with as adults.

The Person Behind the Mirror

To set the stage for this presentation, I want you to be mindful of this statement: always remember that the person you come in contact with is more than likely not the person you're actually talking to.

What do I mean? They have their own story. In law enforcement, we get sent to complaints without the benefit of knowing the background. Many times we arrive right in the center of an incredibly highly charged situation. But at the end of it, we learn more about the people—unfortunately, sometimes the tragedy and the stories behind them.

Often when you are talking to someone, you are communicating with more of a mirror. It's what they want you to see, a veneer. Part of this process with these communication strategies is designed to find out more of the person behind the mirror.

You know this to be true because you've interacted with people who were out of character—or maybe they're out of character for a reason. So maybe we take the high road and extend grace right on the front side of any potential conflict.

Many People Start Their Day Highly Charged

How many people leave their house emotionally charged because they're spending a lot of time on social media or consuming news? I'm not telling you not to do that, but a lot of people can get caught up emotionally by spending too much time reading comments or making comments on things they can't control anyway.

Everything about our society seems designed to get a reaction out of you. Pay attention to the commercials, the marketing, every clickbait headline. Everything is designed to get you jacked up.

Remember, the ultimate goal is to enjoy peace and improve relationships. Many people start their day highly charged. I see it when I drive the highway—I take back roads just to avoid the madness. The way people carelessly and recklessly drive at high speeds, then get bent out of shape when they can't do 30 miles over the speed limit. I've often thought, "You must really love your job to want to get there so quickly." Maybe it's because they're emotionally charged.

Caveats About De-escalation

First, not all people are willing to de-escalate. This is not a cure-all, but it is an effective process that has saved lives.

Second, not all people are able to be de-escalated. That could be because of their mindset, mental health, or being under the influence of something. Throughout my career, we would arrive at supercharged situations with screaming, chaos, kids crying, things being thrown, dangerous instruments being pulled out—and many of these people weren't operating out of their normal mind. Their mind was hijacked by a substance or alcohol.

De-escalation is not a quick fix. It's a process that includes communication strategies and tactics. What happens is you don't actually de-escalate someone—you use these tactics to help them de-escalate themselves.

The Positive Aspects of Conflict

Many times we look at conflict as negative. I think about the costs of unmanaged conflict for organizations: time, trust, talent, turnover, sick days, absenteeism. But it also impacts organizations in subtle ways—strained relationships, quiet disengagement, avoided conversations that should be had. The places that are really hard to measure.

But there are positive aspects to conflict. Maybe we need a paradigm shift: instead of being afraid of conflict, we go at it. What can I learn from it? How can I grow?

Conflict can reveal problems you didn't know existed. Our thinking is plagued with cognitive biases—things we believe about ourselves that might not be true. Those things might need to be pointed out by others. If you have an open mind and don't become defensive, you might think, "Wow, I didn't know that about me. This is important."

Don't go into any argument with the idea that you're going to win. The damage from that mindset can be more than you thought. Instead ask: what can I learn?

Conflict can provide deeper understanding of others and improve relationships. Not all conflict can be resolved, but it has to be managed—especially in the workplace. There's always a person where there's a personality clash, passive-aggressive conversations, accusations. You might not be able to resolve it, but with these tools you can learn to manage it.

Conflict can stimulate change and creativity. It can clarify priorities, needs, and boundaries.

Setting Boundaries and Timeframes

Setting boundaries is important. If you know you're going to engage in an argumentative conversation, maybe the first thing you need to do is determine a timeframe. Maybe it's the wrong time for you. Maybe you're having a bad day with things happening in your background, and you're not mentally and emotionally prepared to engage.

Sometimes you don't have a say—it just happens. But when you do have control, make sure the timeframe is yours, that you're in a good place before you enter, and that you have a plan. Part of that plan is setting boundaries.

Listen for Unsatisfied Needs

One of the things we were taught in de-escalation training is to listen and try to identify unsatisfied needs. That's what I mean about it being a process.

What's interesting about speaking and listening is maybe we have it backwards in this country. I've noticed that most people—and I include myself—often listen to respond rather than listen to understand. But if you begin to listen to understand, that is part of the process.

The average speaking pace is about 125 to 150 words per minute. The average listening pace is somewhere between 400 and 500 words per minute. That difference is time we should not be thinking of what we're going to respond with—we should capitalize on it to understand.

Understanding does not mean agreement. It just means you're trying to understand. And you'll see how this goes a long way.

Some unsatisfied needs might include security—someone needs to feel secure physically or emotionally. I want to pause here. We are post-pandemic now, and I never thought I would live through something like that. Things went sideways. There was an uptick in interpersonal crimes. People were stuck in households, and it wasn't healthy. We were created to be connected, and that disconnection did irreparable damage mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I know this from understanding the prison system. I've taken hardened criminals who spent most of their lives in prison—it didn't faze them. They were happy to be off the streets, getting fed, watching TV. But they would say, "I gotta behave myself because the last thing I want is isolation." The hardest criminals still need connection.

Another unsatisfied need is recognition. A good rule of thumb: when there's a grievance or accusation, meet with them face-to-face if possible. They need to get words off their chest. They want their view understood. It's almost like they've been waiting a lifetime to say what they had to say and just wanted someone to listen. Many times they don't even care about the outcome—they just want someone to listen.

Control is another one. Conflict always involves a power struggle. Whether you know it or not, control is right in the center of conflict. Some people just want to have their say. Let me say my peace—that gives them control.

Some people just want to save face. I was dispatched to a bar fight once. Little Johnny in the corner was out of control, intoxicated, lashing out at me, threatening me in front of his girlfriend and friends—letting them know how he was going to manhandle me. I knew what was happening. I whispered in his ear, asked if I could speak to him, and pulled him away from his audience.

We had a calm conversation. I informed him there were a couple ways he could leave—in handcuffs or of his own accord. I knew what Johnny wanted: he wanted to save face. There was no skin off my back. The last thing I wanted was to lay hands on anyone. It worked out because I identified the need.

Some people want a sense of accomplishment—like they've achieved something from the engagement. Be aware of unsatisfied needs. You should be listening for meaning.

Understanding Emotions in Conflict

In conflict, there's the presence of negative emotions. Even a simple disagreement can be perceived as a threat.

Let me explain. One thing I did as a trainer was prepare police officers for deadly force encounters. There are things that happen psychologically and physiologically when you encounter a threat. This falls under your autonomic nervous system—the root word is "auto," meaning automatic.

Under your autonomic nervous system, you have the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system. Generally, they work in opposition to keep you in homeostasis. Under the sympathetic nervous system is fight or flight.

When something is perceived as a threat, you will automatically be impacted. You process information through your senses and it hits your first floor—your emotional center, your limbic system, your amygdala. It's designed to protect you.

Immediately your heart rate goes up, blood pressure goes up, you start rapid shallow breathing, and psychologically you're stuck in the limbic system. Your body is prepared to fight or flight. You sense it—when somebody approaches you and you know the conversation is going to be difficult.

It can happen at small levels. Someone introduces new information that has a head-on collision with your beliefs and values, and you have an unpleasant feeling—that's cognitive dissonance. Or someone walking by throws disparaging words at you, and you let those words move into your headspace. They're living rent-free, impacting your emotions, and you can't shake it.

We're going to talk about how you can prevent that. I'm not saying you're abnormal if this happens—I'm saying you are very normal.

Emotions Are Contagious

Emotions are contagious. Calm begets calm, chaos begets chaos.

Have you ever had someone sit down, all jacked up, talking loud and fast, and you're sitting there listening with a normal day going, and suddenly your heart rate is up? That's because emotions are contagious.

It takes discipline and training to prevent yourself from becoming emotionally charged. Police officers had to do it—they didn't have a choice. I used to train them: you cannot get emotionally wrapped up in highly charged situations. Why? You're operating out of the wrong part of your brain. What's there? Nothing useful for this situation.

The goal of this training is to push yourself out of that space through arousal control.

Combat Breathing: Four by Four

We call it combat breathing, or four by four.

Remember when I said that under your sympathetic nervous system, automatic things happen to your body? There is something you can control under the somatic part of your nervous system, and breathing is a big one.

Here's what it means: in through the nose for a four count, hold for a four count, exhale through your mouth for a four count, hold for a four count, repeat.

What does that do? It lowers your heart rate, brings your blood pressure down, and allows you to move from your limbic system into your frontal cortex—the executive center. This is where you have rationale, reason, logic, analysis, synthesis. This is where you need to be. You don't need to be stuck in your emotional center. You've got to move yourself to the right part of your brain to effectively manage conflict.

Be Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak, Slow to Anger

Some of you might recognize that as a Bible verse from James 1:19. It's good practice.

Be quick to listen. What does that mean? Silence. People underestimate the power of silence in conflict.

The benefits of silence: it immediately interrupts reactive patterns. It slows emotional escalation. For you, it gives time to breathe, reset, get a hold of yourself. Be slow to speak—now you can carefully weigh the words about to leave your lips.

For them: the words have left their mouth and they're headed your way. You can receive them and react, or you can let them fall on the floor. When those words fall on the floor, they will echo in their own head, and they can think about what they just said.

Now they don't have control over you. Remember, conflict always has a power struggle. When you use silence strategically, you're saying: you no longer have power over me. I can choose what I want to do with these words.

Understanding Anger

A large percentage of aggressive incidents is preceded by anger. But a lot of people don't understand what anger actually is.

You might think it's a front-facing emotion. Actually, it's not. It's a secondhand emotion. It's used as a guise to control or deal with a primary underlying emotion.

Remember, de-escalation is a process. You're listening for unsatisfied needs, listening to words, and you're listening more than you're talking. You're using tactics to let them know you're listening, trying to understand, trying to empathize.

The more they talk, the more you know. The more you know, the more control you have over influencing their behavior.

Anger is used to maintain distance from deeper feelings and keep others at arm's length. They're protecting their vulnerability. I don't give my vulnerability to just anyone. You'll see as I teach you these strategies that you're stepping up a ladder, working on rapport and building trust. That's part of the whole process.

Anger Is a Choice

Did you know that anger is a choice? If someone says, "He made me angry," you know what you're doing? You're admitting that person controls you.

I'm not a big social media person, but sometimes I look at the bantering and uncontrollable lashing out in comment sections. Some people are letting strangers they will never meet in their entire life dictate how they feel.

I don't want to give my emotions to other people. My goal is to enjoy peace. Why add weight to your shoulders by allowing other people to control you?

Here's what I want you to understand: it's not the words they use toward you that impact you. It's the meaning you assign to those words. If you're going to let those words reach you instead of letting them drop, you have the power to change the meaning. And if you can change the meaning, you can eliminate the emotion.

This is something I tried to prepare recruits for my whole career. Throughout my career, I've had people threaten to kill me and do terrible harm to my family members. You cannot take those words personally. When we do, we operate out of our emotional center, make bad decisions, and resort to unnecessary force.

You can change the meaning of words. You're the one who assigns the meaning. You maintain power and control. Don't give it to the other person.

Some people thrive on controlling others. They might be your boss, a coworker, someone in your family. They get a dopamine kick out of watching people react to their unkind words and accusations.

You have to master your emotions through discipline and training—repetition. With repetition, you're able to rewire your brain. The more you use these tactics and strategies, the more you create habits that will increase your communication skills and help you effectively manage conflict.

Marcus Aurelius once said: "If you are stressed by anything external or internal, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but your estimate of it, and this you have power to revoke at any moment."

You're the one who has control. Don't relinquish it. Don't allow others to move you like a puppet on strings.

Barriers to De-escalation

Be aware of barriers. Physical distractions—if you're going to have a potentially heated meeting, go somewhere without distractions.

Technology is addictive. When I go to restaurants, I rarely see people looking at each other—I see them looking at phones. Cell phones are probably the number one cause of car accidents. You're six times more likely to be struck by someone texting and driving than by someone drinking and driving.

There are emotional barriers: closed-mindedness, defensiveness, lack of self-awareness. We all lack self-awareness to some degree.

There are cultural barriers. We were trained in cultural competence at the academy. We learned to read body language—most of what someone wants to say doesn't come out of their mouth. But we also learned that some cultures consider it disrespectful to look someone in the eye. It helps to be culturally aware of the people you're interacting with.

The Behavioral Change Stairway Model

Years ago, after a hostage situation that went wrong and people died, the New York Police Department and FBI started looking at better ways to negotiate. The FBI Crisis Negotiation Unit developed the Behavioral Change Stairway Model.

It starts at its base with active listening skills. As you employ these skills, you're demonstrating empathy. As you empathize, you build rapport. With rapport, you forge trust. With trust, you can influence. And eventually you move toward behavioral change.

The Purpose of Active Listening Skills

The purpose is to lower emotions and return the person to a normal state. We have to get them out of their limbic system and up into their prefrontal cortex, where they can reason and think—not just react without thought.

We establish rapport by listening to understand—different from listening to respond. It takes energy and intention.

We gather information. Remember, the more they talk, the more you learn about them and their unsatisfied needs. The more knowledge you have, the more control over managing the conflict.

Eventually you encourage behavioral change. Active listening is the only skillset designed to work toward all these goals simultaneously.

Sigmund Freud said: "Unexpressed emotions never die. They're buried alive, and they will come forth later in uglier ways." This is true. Have you harbored ill feelings toward someone? Who did it damage—the other person or you? It did more damage to you.

The goal is to get whoever you're in conflict with to express their emotions.

What Active Listening Is Not

It's not about you giving advice, judgment, or persuasion. It's not your ideas. It's not what you did in similar situations. It's not you bringing in unrelated topics.

None of it is about you when you're using these strategies. It is all about them.

Words and Phrases That Damage Rapport

When you were upset, did you appreciate being told to "calm down"? It doesn't go over well. Don't say that. Instead say, "I can see how upset you are." That means a lot.

"I understand"—while well-intended, maybe you do understand, but when using these strategies, don't say you understand. Say, "I'm listening."

"You should" or "you shouldn't" steps into judgment and implies superiority. Don't do that.

"Why?" I know it leaves space and it's an open-ended question, but "why" is accusatory and can create defensiveness. Instead say, "What do you believe is causing that?"

Your Voice Is a Powerful Tool

It's not necessarily what you say, it's how you say it. Someone might say something that's not ugly, but the way they said it sets you off quicker than the words themselves.

Be mindful of your tone and projected sincerity. Pitch and pace matter. Think of peace—slow everything down. In conflict, everything speeds up and gets loud. Bring your voice down. Calm begets calm. Slow your pace.

Keep an open, non-threatening posture with appropriate space. Use congruent body language—your body language mirrors your words so there's no mismatch.

Emotion Labeling

When engaged in a heated discussion, listen for emotions. Don't ever let an emotion go by without labeling it.

Identify it, then use a neutral statement of understanding: "It sounds like..." or "It seems..." or "You seem hurt" or "You seem abandoned."

You might get it wrong. They might say, "No, I'm not hurt." You can respond, "I didn't say you were hurt. It just seems that way." What does this do? It shows you're validating their feelings. People like that. It makes them feel heard and important.

Once you label an emotion, say it out loud and wait. Use the power of silence. Let the label do its work. We often feel we have to fill silent gaps, but there's tremendous power in silence.

Abraham Lincoln said something like: "Better to be quiet and thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt." There's power in silence.

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing is an effective way to demonstrate empathy. While actively listening to understand, you take what they said, paraphrase it, and give it back in a way that demonstrates your sincerity to understand their message.

Remember, understanding their message and trying to empathize does not mean agreement. You can completely disagree. But you're stepping out of your shoes trying to step into theirs, learning about their perspective, values, and beliefs. That is meaningful to them.

Examples: "John, it appears you are saying..." or "John, it seems like you're saying this..."

Mirroring (Isopraxis)

Mirroring or reflecting is a neural behavior where we mimic or copy other people. You see this in humans—if you watch two people engaged in deep discussion, pay attention. You have mirror neurons in your brain, meaning we tend to mirror the actions and words of those closest to us.

There's neural resonance—brain waves actually synchronize and match patterns during interaction. You might see one person scratch their nose and the other do it too.

This is an effective way to build rapport. How do you do it? Hand back the last three or four words with a voice inflection.

Example: They say, "She doesn't pay attention to what I say to her and it makes me angry." Your reply: "It makes you angry?" See what I did? I took the last three words and handed them right back.

I'm guessing that person would say, "You're darn right it makes me angry, and this is why..." And here we go—you're going to learn more about this person.

We did this constantly at domestic situations. We would split the couple apart, and to get the story—because not everyone was willing to speak to us—we had to empathize, build rapport and trust. Then we'd reflect back their language, and they were generally more than happy to share why they were upset.

Summarizing

Summarizing is a brief statement of major ideas and feelings. You take paraphrasing and labeling, put them together, and hand it back.

Paraphrase what they said, add the labeled emotion, summarize, and give it back. It might sound like: "Your main concern appears to be [blank] and you seem troubled by this situation."

See what I did? I paraphrased, labeled "troubled," summarized, and gave it right back.

Open-Ended Questions

Remember, the more you know about someone, the more ability you have to encourage behavioral change. Use open-ended questions. It encourages them to speak what's on their mind—exactly what you want.

It allows them to express opinions and feelings. Remember, some people are all pent up. They want to get rid of these feelings. Convey sincere interest in gaining better understanding.

Minimal Encouragers

You might have heard of small or minimal encouragers. They let the person know you're tracking and trying to understand. While they're speaking, whether face-to-face or on the phone, you might say: "Oh," "I see," "Really?" "Okay," "Yes."

Don't overdo it, but you're letting them know you're actively engaged. That's meaningful—this person actually cares.

When you do this, use congruent non-verbal behavior such as head nods. Use your body language and words together to clearly show you're trying your best to understand their point of view, values, and beliefs.

Effective Pauses

This goes along with silence. Don't be afraid of it. Timing is important. You can use pauses before or after saying something—it emphasizes what you're about to say or what you just said. It draws attention.

Pauses help us focus on thought and interaction. They're a reminder to be slow to speak, to weigh our words. Once they roll off our tongue, they're gone. Sometimes operating out of our limbic system, we damage relationships and think, "I wish I never would've said that."

Practicing these techniques—arousal control, learning to manage your own emotions—means being emotionally intelligent. You understand your emotions, know your trigger points, and learn to manage them.

Conflict resilience is something we taught recruit police officers. It means that during and post-conflict, you maintain your composure, stand on your own feet, and navigate successfully without getting drawn in and emotionally damaged.

Summary: What an Active Listener Does

An active listener looks and sounds interested, adopts the speaker's point of view, clarifies the speaker's thoughts and feelings, reflects the speaker's thoughts and feelings, responds rather than leads the conversation, and responds to feelings rather than just content—paying attention to emotions.

The next time you find yourself in an emotionally charged situation, listen to understand. Be slow to speak. Apply these skills.

Ready to Build Your De-escalation Skills?

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