In conflict, the first move isn’t to win the story. It’s to ask what the other person is seeing.
Here’s a quick exercise we run live. Half the room closes their eyes while the other half looks at an image, then we switch. Same object — a big multicolored beach ball — but depending on where you’re standing, some people saw mostly red and some saw mostly blue. Everyone was certain. Nobody was wrong.
That’s the whole game. Same facts, different conclusions, and nobody is lying. We narrate the world from where we happen to be standing, and then we defend that narration as if it were the entire picture. Most conflict is two people doing exactly that, at the same time, louder.
Ask before you argue
So the first move in a disagreement isn’t to win the story — it’s to ask what the other person is seeing. “Help me understand how you’re looking at this.” “Teach me what you’re seeing that I might be missing.” You’re not conceding. You’re gathering the information you need before you respond.
This isn’t just nice; it’s effective. Galinsky and colleagues found that perspective-taking — deliberately working out what’s going on in the other person’s head — produced better outcomes in negotiations than empathy alone. Thinking about how they see it beats simply feeling for them. The negotiators who got inside the other side’s head found more deals and more creative ones.
And remember that perspective gets quietly skewed by things people never say out loud — their role, their compensation plan, their experience level, the outcomes they’re measured on. Sales and operations look at the same delivery and see different problems. Neither is irrational. They’re standing in different spots.
Then tell the truth — well
Eventually you do have to be honest, and honest can be uncomfortable. The skill is delivering it in a way that helps the other person grow instead of just proving you were right. Kim Scott’s idea of Radical Candor is a useful north star here: care personally and challenge directly, at the same time. The goal isn’t to soften the truth into mush or weaponize it into a win. It’s to put it on the table in service of moving forward — after you’ve understood what they’re seeing, not before.
Source Galinsky, A. D., Maddux, W. W., Gilin, D., & White, J. B. (2008). Why it pays to get inside the head of your opponent: The differential effects of perspective taking and empathy in negotiations. Psychological Science, 19(4), 378–384. · Radical Candor referenced as the work of Kim Scott.